Hypodeil fell with Astralove

Is nice being forced to go out. If it wasn't  for that I'll probably be a total hikikomori. There was a time when I was like that. Yeah. Once. I was 21 and a good for nothing. I dicided that it didn't matter where I was anymore, Barcelona, Madrid, Mexico, USA, Iceland, Japan, Shangai, it was all the same, myself was buried beyond the border, nowhere to be found, so, whatever, I was lost anyways, it didn't matter to me where I was, all the same, emptiness, sadness, nightmares, scary sleep travels, heartbroken tears, insomnia, suicide tendencies, mad, mad and crazy, developing step by step serious irriversible insaness. I just felt that as long as I had a place to "be" that would be enough, I didn't ask for anything else. Just the time to go by. Without much notice. Fast. Fast. Everything was lost, so I just needed a place to rest. So desperate I was. So I spent my days at home, sleeping during the day, and losing my mind during the night. I was scared, but that became a rutine, so I just kept on "going", surviving somehow. I don't particularly understand the people that say they are happy with their lives and wouldn't change a thing 'cause in the end thanks to that they became the kind of person they are today. No. I've seriously tried to understand but something in my heart aches, like saying, "actually, I'm not that happy with what you did, having the whole world under your feet and becoming like this, doesn't it make you sad, wanting to change, wouldn't you change it if you had the power to go back.." Yes. Something like that. I wander if I'm weird for thinking this way. Another thing I don't undersatnd and comes to my mind very often is the believe that people have about truth, they say they hate lies, the hate infidelity, I mean isn't this world a huge lie anyways. In my opinion everyone makes their own lies in order to live the happy life they want, and that's just great. Amazing. What would it be to the world without lies, it would be like a complately dry soil. Without lies, how can you write a story, literature, screenplays, etc etc. Lies are the best, if you are able to make up a really good lie I'm sure it will become true, that's the power of provoking. Provoke everything. Make it become reality, if you don't use this power given to us, you'll just move with the flow.

My goal in life is to become some kind of writer, and a lot of ideas come to me and I think about writing, but then I get scared, 'cause thinking to much makes me really aware of things and I don't want to go back to endless nights and to the uneasyness feelings. I don't think I could take it like before. So before even getting started I stop the urge and distract my self reading manga, manhwa and watching funny doramas and anime. I know it's just a scape but what can I do it's the best way I found to protect myself from loneliness and dark thoughts. I wish I was little again and worked harder for my goals. I hope it isn't so late for me and I can regain power and strength again. Really, when I was 18 and could have done anything I wanted I got lost in the middle of my parents disputes. An in addition to that I didn't even know my real father or where he was or what was he doing or even if he was alive in this world, is scary how I find my heart full of regrets, it's like everything I wasn't able to confront it's still hidden inside me, and just with a little thought the whole thing wants to explode. Now that there is some kind of determination emerging I'll try to organize them.. a very hard task though... I guess I'll just let it out as it goes... little by little, I hope.

"Everything seemed funny that way, it wasn't dark, around 6 in the afternoon, walking towards the stand, I wanted to smoke. Marlboro light. That was the trend. I drank it like madicine. uuurgh. it tasted horrible. But I was in need of forgetting, nothing in particular, just the whole thing about my existence. It was near the summer, two months before I could get out of school, that useless school, I mean what was the point of school when my family was falling apart like a castle of those cards that dad loved to play. My brother wasn't in home anymore, nor did my dad.

He was away, and it was better that way, I didn't want to see his face, I did hate him, a lot actually, to the point of passing out with the remembrance of his face. I missed my brother, and I was really worried. He was kicked out of school in november. He was going to one of the best schools in the city but the issue was that my father due to critical financial problems couldn't pay that expensive private school anymore. That was the worst thing that could have happen with brother in his senior year... It was meant that he would have to repeat, and not even knowing where either. I missed him. I missed him a lot. It was the same with my little sister, she was 11, and she was also kicked out from school, but at least they let her pass the year. Mom was in other dimension, I remember asking her a lot of questions when things started to look not so nice and she never gave me a proper answer. We didn't have money but I starting going to a psychoanalyst, Joselyn was here name, mother's friend, she said. My aunt paid for the sessions, 45 minutes every thursday. It did not help at all, but I kept going so that my family would feel less worried about my mental instability, about my slow break down, so that all those questions I asked to my mother somebody could answer them. Although the psychoanalyst couldn't answer them either. There were days that I was so mad that I didn't say anything at all, 45 minutes, minute after minute, click clack click clack, I heard the sound, the clock was behind me, Joselyn was in front of me, she didn't look happy either, her face was frozen, I did not dare to pronounce a single word, but my throat war hurting, I did not cry either, I hold it, hold the whole nightmare in, I would look into her petrified face and suddenly feel breathless, the room was becoming smaller and smaller, tried to face the window, but there was nothing to see, just the neighbours wall, I was suffucating, I wanted to jump from that window, I wished it was higher, I imagined my self falling, like on those dreams I had, I imagined falling backwards, with my eyes upon the blue sky, scared of the pain it was about to come, crashing into the climax and finally released from the pain, floating in peace, like free soul at last.

I was walking to the stand, and felt like falling with each step, my body wasn't mine anymore. Earlier that day I had an argue with mom, as always, always thinking in my mind in different ways to end it, that evening I dicided to go all the way 'till the end. First I went home, I was alone of course, I helped myself with vodka that we had at the apartment. I drank it alone. It tasted horrible. With my fingers in my nose I drank it like medicine. I helped myself with another one, I went to the kitchen and turned on the TV, yeahhh, Sailor Moon was on, I remember laughing so hard by myself, alone alone, but the alcohol started doing it's effect, so this new world was looking good, really funny, making me spill happy tears, tears from a different world. I got my diary and left a goodbye letter. I dicided my route, first get the cigarettes, then I would go to an underground club, and then end my life who knows how. That was the plan. "

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